I see stars

Your weight on top of my weight

pushing us into the bed

into the earth

anchoring us

I felt secure

under you

This security won’t last

I accept this

I take it inside and cultivate it

because I don’t want to forget

and get too comfortable

your world

is not

my world

and I don’t/

can’t/

WON’T live there with you

but for right now

for this moment

you kiss my nose

and tell me

you like my apple earrings

and you hold me so tight

my breath stops

and I see stars

and I love it

sinister snack foods

I’ve eaten a whole brownie

the BIG Little Debbie kind

the ones that are thick and rich

and all over deliciously chocolate

I ate it slowly

the nuts were delightful

but wholly unnecessary

I feel it sitting in my stomach

a chocolate stone

I want to throw it up

get it out and no longer endure its weight

I feel remorse,

I have regrets

snack foods do this to a person

Ring Master

We held hands inside one another

Wanting not to know

What it was like to be alone

And when you let me go I felt

Shot

Out of a cannon

Where was the netting to catch me

Where was the crowd to watch me fall

Where was the sawdust ring

The elephants in feathers

Where, where was my reward

Months I gave you

All the blood my heart could pump

And you tasted it

And swirled it in your mouth

And said you’d keep it safe

But a better vintage came along

And you

My dear circus clown

My triumphant ring master

My lion tamer

You spit me out

But I landed like any performer would

Back straight and heart askew

Eyes shut tight against the light’s loud roar

I would not fail you

And in time I came back to you

Repentent and sad

And you held me and put black feathers in my hair

And said

You were never good enough,

You were never good enough

But you’ll do.

cowboy

The way things are going
you’d think my vagina was a trap door
where men stand waiting to be hung
the last looks given before the open and close

But I’m not some western sentiment
sent to destroy the male sex
I’m just a girl with a few unsolved issues
and I never asked them for what they gave
willingly

I never said cowboy stand by me
I just wanted a ride into town
and there was room on his horse
for two

God, why didn’t I walk home
or run, run when he said hold me tighter
I should have bolted out the door
when he got up from the chair
and said
forever

the air

For days
When I’m around you
I breathe like I’m dying
this might be my very last breath
forever
but really
I’m greedy for the air
only the air
around you
the air that was once owned
by your lungs
taken in and developed a
certain flavor
deep
from your very inside

I’m tasting what you
never tasted
and it’s not the kiss
I wanted
or a hand to hold
but it’s you on my tongue
you in me
and this is all to say
that’s why I passed out
that time you hugged me

leaving constantinople

Finding myself alone in Constantinople
is the same
as finding
myself
alone, anywhere

The bright blue of the Middle East
is striking
the people are
grey ghosts
here

This place will break your heart
but it will heal you too
it will play you seductive notes
on unknown instruments
and feed you dates
soaked in a strong, strange liquor

I’ve lost promises before
laid them down
Somewhere
between places
but the Markets of Marrakech
have a way
of returning
yourself to yourself

I watch the hookah Smoking men
watch the essence of the said
and the unsaid
circle around them in
exotic flavors
of grape and Anansi

and I never want to feel
this alone
again
why did you leave me here
to miss you
so much and so much

why did you turn
the place I love into
your tomb

leaving Constantinople
I find I’m missing
more than you
and your tobacco sweet kisses

I’m missing the part of me
that danced with you
that night in the Square
of the Haghia Sophia

how I giggled
as you ran your hands
through my dark hair
Singing Farsi lullabies
Dúset daram

The Blue Man

Blue swirls on the canvas
Blue swirls in my hair
you leave your fingerprints in
dark umbers
cadmium reds
marigold yellows all over my body
my neck, my face, collarbone and wrist
you make me your canvas
you make me blank
there’s no sense in your direction
brush strokes aren’t brush strokes

I can’t get the smell of linseed out of my clothes
I keep finding blue on everything I own
the books by the bed
the pitcher in the fridge
the shiny gold door knobs
why did you leave so much of you behind?

Last night I dreamt you were a knife
and I was a pomegranate
you split me open
but you wouldn’t taste me
you just wanted to see me spill myself
like sugar-watered blood
all over the grey-green ground
I woke up with your bitter taste in my mouth

there is no more reality

I want to be the one that says “yes”
and without another word
hops the train to your house

I want adventures in places I can’t spell
to taste strange liquids
and be something other than me

I want to crumple up my skin
toss it out with the orange rinds and soup cans
I don’t want to exist in this body anymore

I wants stars exploding on my tongue
more blue than the sky can hold
and rivers that run always to my front door

I want a country just for sunflowers
national kite flying day
and birds that have glitter wings

My mind goes over the hills on all the things
that could and couldn’t ever be
and the center of the heart of all this impossibility
is you left, and I can’t find my way back to reality

abnormal psychology

nothing about me is normal
nothing stays as it should
acts as it should
theses processes are not normal
my functioning is against nature
if nature were natural
but random isn’t random enough
I burn in non-cyclical fashion
I find I am on no map
no “X” marking
you are here!
just all this godforsaken blue
blue enough to drown in
I breathe color
and taste fire
my lips are burned
you were bright blue when I met you
and now you glow like a coal
a light
was there some terrible reaction
an allergy
a chemical command I didn’t know
I’m sorry
these things happen
I told you
not to get too close
I exist only to prove
that nothing
is sacred

The difference between us

Blood and bone

blood and bone

blood and bone

All we are is blood and bone

And flesh

Flesh and blood and bone

And a little bit of self-righteous burning indignation

We burn because we cannot understand

Not built

Not constructed

More formed and coagulated

We are nothing more than accidents grandly idealized

Beneath a rock

Do not get too cocky

Nor think too highly of all your great achievements

You too once cried in your mother’s arms

Weeping over the darkness

Seeing sweet terror in the form of faceless nothingness

Remember when we were 5

We sat like paper dolls in our stiff church clothes

You the very mirror of a well-made groom

And me in my white mockery, complete with pink bows and shiny black shoes

We sat like two little birds on leashes

Attempting erratic flight

Surrounded by stone faced guardians

All I wanted to do was put my hand between your legs

And fell the difference between us

It is still the same between

You and I

The same pinioned feeling when we sit side by side

There are no longer gray-faced watchtowers

Of propriety and morality

Just years of knowledge of things we

Cannot understand

I still want to touch you between your legs

I still long to feel the difference between us